Deluded World

The world I once knew is dying, right before my eyes and there is nothing I can do to save it. Mother earth is struggling, a breath in is all she can do to keep the cogs of life going and who knows if she will manage the breath out.

 

I can feel something inside me dying too but I can’t pinpoint what it may be. I can sense my essence, my core being, doing it’s best to keep me safe. But the chaos keeps returning, both inner and outer chaos. Every now and then I can hear a scream and I am confused, is it mine, or mother earths? Then I sense the fist in my throat, strangling the real scream, the one that I want to let out, but can’t. And it’s the hand of neo-liberalism, it’s fingers twisted. And as Meryl Streep wins an oscar for her Margaret Thatcher performance her thank you speech is blown across the globe like fairy dust. Meanwhile those mining communities remember when their heart was ripped out and they remember by whom. Coal is now imported into the UK, from China.

 

As rice was once grown in Cote d’Ivoire, now it is imported, with thanks to a mechanism of globalisation and a tool of our neo-liberal ancestors, structural adjustment. As my disturbed mind tries to understand all that is in this disturbed world, I watch the people in my community, go about their daily business as though everything is fine, fine, fine. And I can’t help but think how deluded they all really are.

 

 

beautiful world

beautiful world.

beautiful world

Today I am writing to clear my head, I don’t want to be heard, it doesn’t matter, not today anyway. Today I am writing for my beloved children, so they know my thoughts and feelings on the atrocities someone named life.

I am in the middle of my Master of Science in International Development. Today I cannot physically absorb anymore information. I don’t know where to start with all the work I have and every so often I find myself taking deep breaths in an attempt to stop myself hyper-ventilating. Gaining knowledge about the supposedly beautiful world we live in is tough, it’s frustrating and most times I feel like burying myself in a black hole. I have a persistent sense of injustice and powerlessness.

Where I live, the people here go about their daily business as though nothing awful is happening in this world. I over hear the mundane conversations in the school playground, mums talking endlessly about nurturing their children. And I stand and listen worrying what kind of world my children will grow into. My worries? They’re endless but I keep them to myself, they sit on the end of tongue as a taboo, never to be talked. I’ve never known uncertainty and I have never known uncertainty like this. In my old life there were things I could hold onto as certain, now it feels as though there is nothing. On a micro level school, home and work all puncture wounds into my heart. On a macro level the economy, droughts, nuclear power and ethnic divisions in a country called Syria, where babies are dying from shrapnel wounds.

In academia there is no space for feeling. Just endless reading, exploring why things are the way they are. And never really coming to any kind of conclusion, just more questions with more exploring to do. Do I have to accept what is? Do I allow myself to be controlled and manipulated by a system I loathe. With all the uncertainty in my life I can still question what is and no one can take that from me, the power of my own voice is a beautiful thing to have, it is something I can hold onto and keep. It does not belong to anyone else and it cannot be crushed. So amidst all the uncertainty in my life, I do have one thing that is certain, my fingertips and my freedom to speak. Without it I would be suppressed and the suppressed always has an oppressor. I know my oppressor, do you know yours?

As usual, I feel lighter now and connected to my own sadness, something people die not doing. Sorrow can kill but joy is all I have right now because I know I am a good person and my family love me with all their hearts, what more could one want really.

And tomorrow I shall wake and I’ll accept my journey of despair but sitting right in the middle of my heart will be 3 people who I adore and who adore me and that is all that matters. I’ll accept my loneliness as a state of mind, rather than a state of selfishness and return to where I feel loved the most, as Max did in Where the Wild Things Are… home. What ever it may take to leave this god forsaken place.

Climategate and the IPCC

All the climate change skeptics are worming their wayout of the woodwork, are they slimey? I’ll let you make up your own mind.

On the 24th November 2011, the IPCC released an extreme events report on climate change. The same day the UEA emails were re-released and I say re-released because it appears they were the old emails from before.

The question is, have human activities caused climate change? Human activity has most definitely increased CO2 omission. Industrialisation, deforestation, biodiversity loss have all contributed to an increase in CO2, the science behind this cannot be disputed. The question is has the increase in CO2 altered our climate? That is where the science turns a shade of grey, according to the skeptics.

I live in England and this November has been recorded as the warmest one in a 100 year’s. Autumn sees the leaves turn gold and red then they dpisappear and winter finally arrives. I have an oak tree in my garden that is still green. Wasps that have usually died by now are still buzzing lethargically around the window sills. I see primroses on the bank of the road, and blackbirds nesting.

When I turn on the news, I see floods in Thailand and Pakistan and droughts in subsahara Africa, snow in October in Washington D.C. The climate is changing. And if it’s not anthropogenic, then why is it?

The skeptics haven’t come up with another valid reason. They just criticise the data from the IPCC.

So asked yourself, if climate change isn’t caused by humans, then who, or what is? Most likely, aliens from another planet.

Occupying the World

The world is in a horrid crisis. The climate is crazy, the neo-liberals are frightened and our leaders don’t know what to do.

With an already over resourced planet, it is only a matter of time before water security becomes the new climate change. Yemen is running out of water, it is being extracted quicker than it is being replenished. It’s people will have no choice but to leave.

Our not so ancient ancestors, the Mayans depleted the soil, Easter island as a civilisation came to an abrupt end. A once flourishing biodiversity, wipe out, unable to sustain the life it once had.

The multinationals of the world are scared too. They’ve released a book, only this year, dealing with the very issue of water security. Consumption cannot continue as is has done, our planet simply cannot provide the resources we need.

The London stock exchange needs more than tents, it needs trees, earth, water, because without them there is no humanity.

Climate Change Meets The only way is Essex

I don’t need a climate change scientist to realise climate Change is very real. My daughter spent fireworks night in the garden in a pair of shorts. But only a few weeks ago there was a thick frost on the windscreen of my car.

The floods and droughts that are sweeping the planet are very real for those whose lives have been destroyed. Meanwhile the west continues to consume, with its lavish, post-colonial capitalist, over indulgent way of life. Where no one appears to be considering their carbon footprint. For me, it’s more about a carbon footprint. It’s about changing our way of life.

There is a small duck pond in the town I live in, it has only one third of the water it normally has. When I saw it I felt scared.

Water, unlike the universe, is not infinite. It is finite. South east England is, believe it or not a water stressed region. Having access to clean running water is a luxury but it I also a human right and a human need.

More children die from drinking dirty water than from HIV or malaria.

I was in London recently and I took a stroll around the square mile of the city. I stuck out like a sore thumb in my trainers and leg warmer and my north face anorak. The smell of aftershave tintalised each nostril, patriarchy was prevalent and I Soon became very aware of my female ness.

As I strolled the streets I began to notice the lack of trees, I counted one in 30 minutes. The small piece of earth it stood in wasn’t even a piece of earth, more like cement. I was overwhelmed by a great sense of disconnection. As we all stood with our feet on the concrete, the environment became distorted from reality. The city is a construct, a social construct that lacks depth it is not a reality. If we lose connection with the very earth we came from then we lose connection with our self, and most importantly each other.

And you only need to watch the only way is Essex to realise the extent of disconnection. Brentwood is the dealer belt, as you drive down the hill, out of Brentwood, Canary Warf sits like statue that all who pass it worship it as though it is greater than god himself.

So for now, I’d much rather stick with the god I know. The superficialness of the neoliberal world can feel my middle finger right where the sun don’t shine.

Post World Food Day

Today is post world food day. When I was an undergraduate, studying Anthropology, economics made up part of a module. I can remember sitting in cafe, in New Cross talking about the economic crash and social unrest that would hit our streets almost 2 decades on. It seems like a long time ago now.

Colonial capitalism has been in crisis for a long time now. Today, almost 1 billion people will wake up hungry and go to sleep hungry. Meanwhile the daily calorie consumptions of others begins to increase and the obese ones will be able to have an operation to restrict the amount of food that goes into their stomachs.

The western world has become accustomed to abundance, food, housing, water, our basic human needs, have all been met according to Maslows heir achy of needs. So why are so many people unhappy still and unable to find their moment of self realisation?

There is so much emphasis on success within my culture. Money can buy you a good life, I have been conditioned to believe that I need money. The culture I live in, my social status within this culture, is determined by money. Our class system has grown from our colonial cousins, who once sipped tea and sugar, resourced from a corrupt trading of people,slavery.
I can’t help thinking, what would the world say if those 1 billion hungry people, protested? People are tired of the corrupt trading system, that makes the rich richer and the poor poorer. So, think what you might do to feed the hungry. It’s not just about giving aid, it’s more complex than that. Consuming less perhaps or just more ethically. For me it’s the former because I don’t have the money to be ethical, so instead I make consumption sacrifices. Most of the furniture in my house is second hand. And the new stuff can be recycled. I try to be a conscienous consumer, do you?

London Riots

The autonomy of the individual to make a rational choice brings with it a great sense of freedom. Melanie Philips, you don’t know me. But I do however, want you to hear what I have to say on your ‘I told you so’ predictions you so apparantly big headedly boast about on your blog.

When the trouble began my first thought was, who is The Met Commissioner? Because both the Met Commissioner and the Assistant Commissioner resigned a few weeks ago. Somthing to do with police corruption and a certain media mogul named Rupert Murdoch, who it appears, has long been forgotten admist the chaos of the UK riots. There was no Primeminister, Home Secretary, Mayor of London or Leader of the Opposition in the country. They were off on their hols and not one made any effort to return to maintain order. I would like to refer each of them to Lord of the Flies. Without authority, order disappears into the fires of burning buildings and the unconscious of frightened old people

I then began thinking about how shit our primary and secondary educaiton system is. I grew as an 80′s child, when I think back to school I can honestly say, I didn’t learn a thing in school. I also began thinking about the Social and Emotional Aspects of Learning (SEAL) curriculum. In theory, young people now should be so clued up on feelings and communication, it ain’t even funny. So why the fuck are are they a) kicking shit outa one another and b) now turning on innocent members of society. What is going on?

Where has the greed that exists within our society come from? As bankers bonuses run into millions of pounds, who is truly greedy?

As I watched the young people rampage through the streets of London I wondered why they wasn’t all at home playing Call of Duty 3. Then I realised, they was, only not on an XBox 360. I can’t help but think they are reliving an experienced violence, now on the streets. Whether that experience is on a computer game, their dad giving their mum a good hiding or their mum giving them a good hiding, they brought it to the streets of London. But not in isolation, not every young person had the same unconscious motive. Because we are not all the same.

I marched on 26th March 2011, to protest against the raping of our public service. On reflection, I saw no young men. It was orderly, there was order. When an individual has little order in their life, it is simply easier to cause destruction, devastation and disorder. Anarchy has no ideology, no wants or needs, no voice and that is what makes it’s force so full on. Silence is golden and if the silence of the disaffected continues, their reign of terror will be put in to a box, until one day, another force will arrive, ten times deadlier than the first and wipe out not only part of communities but entire ones.

To label each and all as criminal thugs is demeaning. Low self worth and self esteem sit in the pits of most young people, I should know because one day that was I. Most young people who I work with have very low opinions of themselves, they do not like who they are.

I am not naive enough to ignore the fact of inate evil, embedded into the psyches of some but not all of these individuals. Reformation of the young can happen and perhaps they need strapping to a chair, with eye clamps on, watching films and listening to music that will rewire thier brains. These young people have drunk far too much milk for my liking and anyone who hasn’t got a clue what I’m talking about needs to see the film or read the book A Clockwork Orange. It was so only a matter of time.

In 1990, the abolition of the Inner London Education Authority (ILEA) was a very sad moment for all those committed to the leisure time of young people. And I emphasise leisure time because young people spend more time in leisure than they do in school. The old folk of my street would rather my children were kept in doors playing on Play Stations but I choose to ignore them because there is more to life that Call of Duty World at War. They glare at me, as though I am a bad mother and I glare right back at them, knowing that I will spend time looking right into the eyes of my children, so hard I see their soul and I hear their voice. That is becuase I am fortunate enough to realise the amount of effort it takes to raise a child, I have the time to give them the attention they so, so deserve. Whoever leads this country, needs to refocus on the leisure activities of the young, time, money, effort and committment are needed to raise a nation that will be listened to and will be heard.

Young people are egocentric, it’s not a crime to believe you are the only person in the world who exists and the whole world revolves around you. As adults, we’ve all done it because it is something that is inate. Some are fortunate enough to grow out of it with ease, others are not, I know because I have one. He challenges me, pushes me, goes beyond the boundaries I set. I am a good mother, he is the new breed of humanity that will not be pushed around, he is the new breed of humanity that you see rampaging through our streets.

My final note is bring back ILEA, for the sake of the kids.

The earth between her feet sank through the gaps in her toes. Today she was grounded. Like a tree, she stood tall in the world. As change sweeps through the planet with great velocity she was unable to keep up. She knew one day she would wake and she would be in a different place. The power of men whose greed would destroy the world she has once lived in, would fall. It would turnaround, with such force the Earth would move from its alignment with the sun. In its place, a new star, much brighter than the first.

The power of the universe would be felt through the skin of every living being on this planet and God would bow down before it’s blackness and apologise for all the pain and suffering he had caused,

And all those on Earth, who were responsible for suffering, those who had power over another’s pain, would fall to their knees and shout for mercy as they watched themselves disappearing into the dark dispare they had once dominated, before the beautiful life they had been given on Earth. They no longer deserved to be human.

Being human is a gift, a sacred gift that shouldn’t be taken for granted. Pain and suffering belong to being human, to interrupt that pain is to interrupt the circle of life. From now on her existence would be to live and not to fear her death and how she may or may not die. There was no fear, her revolution, the revolution of her soul was about to begin and nothing and nobody would or could get in her way.

As she took the power of the universe in her hand, she began to feed the world with the food it so deserved. Water was the new gold and it was up to her to make people understand how precious life really is. Self realisation was on the horizon.

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I Know the Danger of Beauty to These Men

Today I feel apprehensive about writing. I still cry when I watch the above footage, of the death of Neda Agha-Soltan, who I believe deserves a great remembrance in Iran’s Green Revolution. I have never had the privilege of meeting an Iranian women. I have worked with many women, from all over the world but never an Iranian. I am harmonious with their solidarity to change Iran and it’s secularism. And that is why I write this blog, apprehensively.

I am English but not ordinary. I have been contemplating spirituality for someone who was once an Islamic extremist. I am struggling, for what ever reason and I’m not sure why. Perhaps this post is beginning of my journey into Islamic spirituality.

Spirituality plays an important part in my life. Without it, I’m not sure who I am. Without it, what will Iran become? With the recent arrest of the Iranian Presidents Exorcist or Jinn catcher, Abbas Ghaffari, I sense a destablisation of power within Iran. It appears to me, the power that is so prevalent is beginning to self destruct, a theme dominating through the globe as Rupert Murdoch’s own empire begins to turn in on itself. I can’t help but feel there are higher forces at work. And whether you think superstition and mysticism are a load of old twaddle, the changes that are sweeping through the globe are too immense to rationalise.

As Ahmadinejad tries to repel the Jihnn’s, his arabic world continues to turn against him. Now it is clear, it really is only a matter of time until Iran becomes something Khamnei is so fearful of.

That which is hidden. And there is so much in this world that is not seen. There is no truth, only your own personal truth. Neda had her own truth, she yearned a freedom I can only imagine. This, her only crime. I have been moved by her power, I was entranced by her beauty. And perhaps it is exactly that which made her powerful, her beauty.

So, for now, I will remember Neda and her beautiful face and she will smile her beautiful smile, right into the eyes of the Ayatollah and her power will create something beautiful for the Iranian people.